set-in..
Monday, 29 September 2008, 3:35:00 am
oh well Don't mind me, I'm just typing nonsensical stuff.
some thoughts ran into my mind, and I wonder, how can a good friendship be so sweet and less-argumentative in this world. I always can't help but feel jealous at times when my friends are like that; that those friendships can work out so well. and my life hasn't had a chance of experiencing it yet. It is still unclear of who will be there for me..or maybe there won't be any? I don't know. Hearing some advices and past experiences from what my aunt had gone through made me feel better, but nonetheless the bad feeling would still be back again. Nothing else matters more to me than friends and family. Well, I'm feeling the love of what my aunt has been giving me; my mum and dad too, cos I know the love's inside of them. but friends? Perhaps my affinity towards friends hasn't been a good one.. but what can I do. It's my way of life. My character is like this, and I ain't faking it. Unless this person's been hurting me in whatsoever ways then I have nothing to say.
After reading certain posts of some people, it sort of hurt me in a way: that I have been 'toying' with my own feelings. I don't deny the fact that I like to change my target of humans that I wanna give my TLC to,but what hurts me is that I become less confident and more lonely as each day passes. I begin to live in fear and have to keep on hiding; hoping not to meet anyone I know on the streets. This feeling ain't good; it never was. I don't know how some people can just live their lives away and not care about what others feel and worry about while the rest just hide at home stoning away or playing computer games all day. Don't know how some people can so easily forget the past and find new friends to hang out with, while some can only cling onto the past and keep hoping for a better future with it.
I remembered my first times when I started squandering away my finances, or rather my mum's money, to buy gifts and chocolates for that certain someone. Thought I could not pass each day peacefully without seeing that person. even went to the same education centre mainly because of that person. but times passed, I've done my best to understand the bad situations that does not even involve me at all, be an utmost TLC-er I can be, and didn't ask for anything in return. it was only further distance away we've gotten ourselves into. The second, I thought it was a match made in heaven; almost perfect. but well, many problems occured. disagreements were almost everywhere. or was the friendship too rushed? The past can't be forgotten still, not for one who always tries to bring back memories for the sake of remembering the good times..The rest were bullshit. sorry to have used the word.
Now something reminded me of the days when I was younger; the punishment I've got whenever I did something wrong or made my father angry. 50 strikes of rattan cane hitting on the palm or else everywhr on the body,forcing my head into the pail of water, hitting my legbone with a thick and rusty old wood picked up from the storeroom, banging my head against the wall or table forcing me to swear my promises...it was so chaotic. hahaha. but then I didn't have to worry much, I just had to focus on studies and get good results, and thinking of ways not to get punished again. Friendship did not matter to me. And I've never gotten onto a schoolbus to school before; in and out of school I walked alone.. come to think of it, I was so lonely that time..
Now there are scars everywhere; scars of rejection, pain, fear, negligence; no glimpse of hope. I've learnt so many things throughout my journey of life for nineteen years, and my situation can be so similar to many others all over the world..
so...what's the next step for me..?
perhaps I've got to learn to exercise more self-independence, and not hoping to rely on others for hopes and opportunities. It is really so so hard to come by. But if there are such chances of changing my own destiny, I'll be sure not to miss any of them. :))
A man who is not born feeling secure will always never feel secured.Labels: emotions., random, thoughts
