I think I'm kinda suffering the withdrawal symptoms of missing Perth now. :/
Am missing so many things, I just feel like putting down everything, buy an air ticket and get back there again. Realized that my attitude for travel wasn't supposed to be that way, I should say. "What kind of attitude was that huh?!",thinking to myself. Was excited, then no emotion, then felt so bored for the first few days. Boredom and spine-chilling coldness isn't a very good combination to feel for man. Could have realized sooner that my presence was an extra and a hindrance for you guys who were supposed to prepare for school the next week, or rather the morning after I leave.
Being headstrong wasn't me, and definitely not good a thing to be when faced with problems. What's wrong, Daddy? What's wrong with me not being able to feel and appreciate the love given with so much effort done on it. Probably childhood fear I guess. The fact that I was raised up to live independently and not rely on others for things, I've grown up to be so comfortable with my own self and comfort zone. And I'm trained to look out for others naturally, younger ones or those who lacked things or attention I would/could be blessing them with and not the other way round. Instincts..? :| I know people try to get closer and know me more, but they seem to be giving up on it cause they can't seem to find a way in. Either this or they're just being manipulative, using me as their substitute for company or someone for help when they needed one.
I'm still hoping for a you who could make me open up so much more. Or the you that could make me grow so much more in the Lord whilst relying a bit on you for advice or pieces of encouragement I always needed from a best friend, thee best friend that acknowledges me and could smack me in the head telling me what I'm doing now is entirely wrong. Jesus would be enough, but people are still put there for a reason. And I know He'll be talking through the one to me, telling me how much I'm so valued and so precious in the eyes of Daddy.
It's a hidden fact that the things/actions I push aside or feel awkward about are actually the things I would really like to have/experience. One of it was the blessing by people for things, even though how much I was resisting it or how headstrong I was to reject it. Inside of me was the happy feeling I get of being blessed, because I know I'm really special in each of their hearts. Or another would be a very warm cuddle on a very cold night, a usual thing for girls to do that I find it so hard to comprehend. I really wanna feel and be like how girls get together during stay-overs and chit-chat till morning about anything under the sun. Why can't I seem to comprehend this? Because of the way I was raised up, again?

so I tried to be open and tell things, but it was left open and unfinished. The cold winds came and I couldn't continue with the things I was supposed to let out; the things that I would deem so important as to why I'd feel that way throughout the whole trip. I felt like crying after the weird pause. Cos it ain't good that how people would misunderstand my thoughts through the words they've only heard till and no more...

but I could say that the last few days were better? I was able to let loose and get wild with all the singing.. Was really wishing for pt and cyn to be there at the kbox too, all 5 of us singing together and getting high together. haha. could really imagine the scene of us jumping everywhere around the room and head banging everywhere possible. and the helium balloon thingie. even though wl was reluctant on doing so, you guys were really spontaneous and cooperative! That video is really a keepsake of the funny times we had. =] "Is it changing? Is it changing?" "Helium hates me!" hahaha... =*)

and before I went in for boarding, I was really hoping to pray for each of you two. but one: you guys look so tired, two: awkward turtle goodbyes, and three: I can't remember what to say when I pray, so...right. :| my mind was in a flutter with so much assumptions of what you guys might be thinking there and then made me just gave up on the whole praying thing. like "aiya, suan le ba". bleah. me big bad mistake. >3<


now I wish I could really turn back time and do everything again, in an entirely different approach. A much better approach. And probably I wouldn't turn out with what a load of rubbish I've been talking till now. Gooderbye.

Labels: emotions., random, thoughts